I'm still here well I relocated here ---> http://jazramart.tumblr.com
So check me on there.
Life is seriously serious. I have tried the whole conformist thing but that is so not who I am. Over the past year from the jobs I had, the friends I gained, the friends I lost I am still trying to figure out who I am. What should I believe in, how should I look like. Should I lose 50lbs or should I stay the way I am? Do I feel comfortable carrying all this chunk around? Should I live free or should I live in hostage because that is what everyone is told to do.
Should I have a job that pays me $$$ or should I do what I am passionate about and be happy even if I end up living in a box? Should I look for love or let love look for me? Is it right to date this guy or that guy, quick what would my friends, family think about it?
Am I too emotional, should I change? Am I too careless, should I care? Am I too lazy, is that the reason why my dreams are so far reached? Do I think too much? Drink too much, eat too much, cry too much, care too much, stay alone in my room too much?
I'm an artist, should I look a certain way? Should I wear my hair like this, wear clothes like that, shop at thrift stores or urban outfitters because that's what all of the other hipsters do? Am I a blipster? Am I too much into the Black culture? Should I not be since I am Puerto Rican? I have Spainard, African, Taino in me so it's okay if I am, right?
Do I sound too proper? Do act too "white"? How come at age 23, I am not knocked up yet? Why does it feel like I don't belong? I've been doubting myself for way too long...
These are the constant questions that popped up in my mind. For the past year or so since my last blog I've been doing a lot of searching. Searching for my identity, trying to find where I fit in. I've been trying to find a manual that fits my description where I can read and figure out the who's, what's, where's, how's and why's of me. I realize... that doesn't exist! I exist, though and that's all I know. Why am I so scared to be me?
I applaud for those that can be themselves, really I aspire to be like that. I always wanted to be someone else, someone other than me. I have recently questioned myself, "why would I want to do that?" I am who I am, and I know I am constantly evolving. That in 5-10 yrs the things I like now might be the same things that I hate.
I am growing into myself, I'm glad I have great friends like JdotE, Aisha, Raydar, Esrick, Connie, Ivan and my parents to help me with this whole self-love, finding my own idenity thing I have going on.
Also! Thanks for the internet, the internet is a beautiful thing. I have came across some beautiful people who I can relate tenfolds, other great artists, creators, lovers. I have even made some friends off of the internet, sounds weird but its so dope how I can connect to all types of passionate people. I love it!
Here are some of the people who inspired me to be me
- My good friend Raydar Ellis:
- Fly Lady Di, dope multi-creator all around woman
- Maya Washington, an energetic photographer and I think she's an aspiring filmmaker (please correct me if I am wrong)
- Femi Martin, a brilliant writer oh man I love her fiction stories
- Durand Bernarr, insane vocalist, artist and intelligent young man.
- My close friend Ivan Sierra, another talented vocalist and a young man full of love
- Andre Wagner & Rog Walker, not only are they talented photographers but their passion project & identities project has inspired me to be on my way to be me, whatever that entails
- Amy Winehouse, jazz artist, full of soul, and totally doing what she only knows.. which is to sing. I discovered her at 19 and was blown away, not many 19 yr olds dig jazz. I didn't feel alone when I heard her music. Not to mention her music was therapeutic for me, college was ROUGH. rip baby girl
There are so many influences, inspiring artists, people, that this post would be much much longer than it already is.
So guys, please please wish me good luck. I have been delaying this step for so long due to my huge fear of failure. I am going to jump into this head first, for the last 3 years I've only been dabbling in with my pinky. How far can I go with using only 3 inches of me?
So here it comes, my heart and soul